Saturday, January 29, 2011

Do we Expect too Much?

My heart aches today as I come up on the six month anniversary of Shreya’s death.  And along with this pain I feel resentment and anger and I can’t help but wonder if I am just expecting too much.  There are the people who never said a word after Shreya died and yes that stings when it comes from family and friends. There are those that continue to try to interact with me as if nothing happened at all. Seriously? But even that was expected. There are those who came around for a while and then just kind of disappeared. Even that I expected. But am I expecting too much to think that close friends and family members would call every now and then just to say “hey, we remember you had a daughter and we were thinking of her”. IS this just plain selfish of me? 
It makes me think that maybe I wasn’t a good friend to them. Maybe I wasn’t there when they needed someone. I find I make excuses for them. “This is difficult for those who haven’t experienced it”, “People have other things going on” etc.
My resentment (and yes I know self pitying) I can handle. But it breaks my heart when my husband recalls a family member who has not yet to this day called to acknowledge his daughter.  It tears me apart on the rare occasion he mentions a friend who no longer contacts him. I want to give these people a piece of my mind. But to what end? We can’t control others and make them act how we want them to act.  If they don’t have the decency to do the right thing, a good telling off won’t make a difference.
So then I wonder what should I do. Do I call up the family member that never said a word and say “shame on you” or what I really would like to say “F#@k You”? Should I call up the close friend who never asks how things are and say “You suck”?  Again, why? In the great scheme of things it won’t matter, right? Besides, who wants love that they have to ask for?
I guess all I can do is be thankful for the people in my life who are there. No matter how scarce, be thankful for those who say “hey I thought of Shreya today”, I am thankful to those who show love and it is  sad to say that so many of these people who show they care and mention Shreya are women that I have never even met. Sad that I can’t say the same for people I truly expected it from. 
Shreya – Forgive mommy’s rant. I just miss you my love.


Antoinette said...

Angira, no matter HOW MANY people we are surrounded with for support, its very easy to notice "who" is left out from the bunch. then you think back to what you did for them, and how you were there for them, and what you would have done for them and THAT hurts all on its own. The easy thing to do is just focus on the good people around you. But the easy thing isnt always allowable. THis is a child that died. YOUR child and in my opinion I would just X them out. You dont need to make excuses or cover for them. There are plenty of things they can do. even just send a card. Even just a text. Even just say "I dont know what to say" and THAT is enough. ((((((((hugs))))))) I have lit a candle for shreya this weekend. I know that you would love for EVERYONE to do the same...and I wish they did it for you as well =(

Anonymous said...

Angira, my grief counselor explained to us that we would experience a "shift" in our circle of family and friends. Even before we knew it was happening, she predicted it. And some of the people I never expected to help us were there for us, while my maid of honor and best friend has never called me since the day our son died. So I know how you feel. I don't know what the best approach is to dealing with these people. Because I know that if you confront them, they will probably make excuses. My best advice is to let them go and if they do try to come back into your life, then I would ask them why they weren't there for you before. Hope that helps <3

New Year Mum said...

Sorry to hear about your loss. I share your pain of no-one saying anything or seeming to remember our little ones. I'm new to blogging but see that we all are keeping our little ones memories alive and sharing this heart-renching journey together... wherever we are in the world xoxo

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

My heart is breaking for you.

My son died 8 years ago and it's still hard. I've written songs about him, books about him and still I miss him every day.
I'll be praying for you.

Here's the link to a song I wrote for my son:

Anonymous said...

Thinking of Shreya today - and you. Hugs mama and I hope to meet you through the local group soon so I can give you a hug in person too. ~ Kristy

book fish said...

Dear Angira

Going through the emotions just like you.
I'm the Moma of a baby boy who left me too son. Fours months ago. I so very understand what you felt while writing this blog. Hugs.

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