Thursday, December 1, 2011

To control or not to control

So I thought I was finally in control of my emotions. I thought I could hold it all in until I needed to let it out. When I need to let out my pain I don't mind doing so freely. I cry in loud sobs and yell, scream etc. But because I could "control" my emotions I could do so in the privacy of my own home or car. No worries. I barely ever cry in public anymore. But yesterday I realized that the wave can still crash over me unexpectedly.
We went to Bible study as we usually do on Wednesday evenings. I am new to the church. My husband was raised in the church and is very devout. He had drifted spiritually away from his faith in the past few years and I could see it weighed heavily on him. So in an effort to support him, we began the process of me joining Forest Lake Church with him. I have never been religious and was raised Hindu. Initially it was something I was doing for him. But in the past few months I have discovered a strong faith, peace and love in me and am excited about my new path.
Anyway, so after Bible study we were asked if we wanted to stay for the evening prayer and a Baptism. Sure. Well during this, they called up a young mother with her baby. She told the story of her newborn. How she had had complications and was in the NICU and underwent surgery. But the power of prayer blessed them and the baby is better now, and home early!
As most BLMs will know, I was overcome with conflicting feelings. Joy and gratitude that this sweet little One was alive and well. Glad that this first time mother did not have to feel the pain of losing her baby. So sad that my Shreya did not live and come home early. (now here come the ugly feelings) Jealous that I do not have my baby in my arms. Jealous that i do have to endure the pain of losing my baby. And angry, very angry at God. Yes! Pissed off that some prayers are mercifully answered and some are not. Angry at God! In church! I found myself sobbing, quietly but uncontrollably. And of course I had seated myself in the front row!
My relationship with God is now at a point where I can admit to being angry, but this does not diminish the love in me for Him. Am I proud if this feeling? No. And I don't blame God for "taking" Shreya from me. But I would be a big liar if I said I am better than human and feel only nice things.
I guess I am really not in control.

I miss you my Shreya. Happy 17 month birthday dearheart.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Do we Expect too Much?

My heart aches today as I come up on the six month anniversary of Shreya’s death.  And along with this pain I feel resentment and anger and I can’t help but wonder if I am just expecting too much.  There are the people who never said a word after Shreya died and yes that stings when it comes from family and friends. There are those that continue to try to interact with me as if nothing happened at all. Seriously? But even that was expected. There are those who came around for a while and then just kind of disappeared. Even that I expected. But am I expecting too much to think that close friends and family members would call every now and then just to say “hey, we remember you had a daughter and we were thinking of her”. IS this just plain selfish of me? 
It makes me think that maybe I wasn’t a good friend to them. Maybe I wasn’t there when they needed someone. I find I make excuses for them. “This is difficult for those who haven’t experienced it”, “People have other things going on” etc.
My resentment (and yes I know self pitying) I can handle. But it breaks my heart when my husband recalls a family member who has not yet to this day called to acknowledge his daughter.  It tears me apart on the rare occasion he mentions a friend who no longer contacts him. I want to give these people a piece of my mind. But to what end? We can’t control others and make them act how we want them to act.  If they don’t have the decency to do the right thing, a good telling off won’t make a difference.
So then I wonder what should I do. Do I call up the family member that never said a word and say “shame on you” or what I really would like to say “F#@k You”? Should I call up the close friend who never asks how things are and say “You suck”?  Again, why? In the great scheme of things it won’t matter, right? Besides, who wants love that they have to ask for?
I guess all I can do is be thankful for the people in my life who are there. No matter how scarce, be thankful for those who say “hey I thought of Shreya today”, I am thankful to those who show love and it is  sad to say that so many of these people who show they care and mention Shreya are women that I have never even met. Sad that I can’t say the same for people I truly expected it from. 
Shreya – Forgive mommy’s rant. I just miss you my love.