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My heart aches today as I come up on the six month anniversary of Shreya’s death. And along with this pain I feel resentment and anger and I can’t help but wonder if I am just expecting too much. There are the people who never said a word after Shreya died and yes that stings when it comes from family and friends. There are those that continue to try to interact with me as if nothing happened at all. Seriously? But even that was expected. There are those who came around for a while and then just kind of disappeared. Even that I expected. But am I expecting too much to think that close friends and family members would call every now and then just to say “hey, we remember you had a daughter and we were thinking of her”. IS this just plain selfish of me?
It makes me think that maybe I wasn’t a good friend to them. Maybe I wasn’t there when they needed someone. I find I make excuses for them. “This is difficult for those who haven’t experienced it”, “People have other things going on” etc.
My resentment (and yes I know self pitying) I can handle. But it breaks my heart when my husband recalls a family member who has not yet to this day called to acknowledge his daughter. It tears me apart on the rare occasion he mentions a friend who no longer contacts him. I want to give these people a piece of my mind. But to what end? We can’t control others and make them act how we want them to act. If they don’t have the decency to do the right thing, a good telling off won’t make a difference.
So then I wonder what should I do. Do I call up the family member that never said a word and say “shame on you” or what I really would like to say “F#@k You”? Should I call up the close friend who never asks how things are and say “You suck”? Again, why? In the great scheme of things it won’t matter, right? Besides, who wants love that they have to ask for?
I guess all I can do is be thankful for the people in my life who are there. No matter how scarce, be thankful for those who say “hey I thought of Shreya today”, I am thankful to those who show love and it is sad to say that so many of these people who show they care and mention Shreya are women that I have never even met. Sad that I can’t say the same for people I truly expected it from.
Shreya – Forgive mommy’s rant. I just miss you my love.
